Who..?

I just have a lot anxiety over things and I don't know who to talk to.

Opportunities

I've been offered a few opportunities in the past week. An internship, an invite to a high-class network event. Compared to where I was a few months ago it is quite the progress. But besides being excited, I'm also nervous and maybe a little scared. What if I don't reach the requirements for the internship? Or what if I'm a terrible person at networking because I don't really have a clue about what I want?

Is this a side effect of my previous failures?

My first reaction when I read the email about the internship was to scream with joy. This was exactly what I wanted to do. A big international business and it would look perfect on my resumé. I began planning if I could work two jobs and still excel at both since the internship was unpaid and I do need a source of income.

The second thing I did was discuss this fabulous opportunity with my closest friends, could I do this? Could I pull off an extra 12-hour job? I went back and forth between the list of requirement and tasks and the conversations with my friends. After rereading the list of tasks I started to doubt myself. Could I really maintain relationships with journalists and business partners? With my fear of unknown people and failure. What if they didn't like my writing?

I'm probably not the right person, so...

The network event is also delivering me chills. It's a fun night, I can know since I've worked the event a few times as waitress. The guests are nice and the atmosphere is relaxed. This could serve as a really good opportunity to make some acquaintances for possible school-related internships. And besides, the guy that invited me is really nice and funny, so if I won't meet people, I'll still have a fun evening.

So, love, how about you put on some pants, keep your head high and have a fun night of networking while enjoying free food. O, and while you're at it, reply to the email. It's worth a shot!

Letters to you

To be honest, I never really entertained the idea of being your girlfriend. I’ve joked about marrying you with my mom and Heleen, but I always shook it off. You were my friend, that was it. And besides, you were impossible to read so I never knew what to think of it.

When people would tell me that you and I were made for each other I’d laugh. Funny guys, but I definitely don’t like him that way.

I guess that was a lie…

I never planned on telling you about my real feelings, until that night in your car when everything just tumbled out. I thought it would set me free but it did something completely different to me. It bound me to you, made me wonder about the things we could be. Suddenly I was entertaining that idea of being your girlfriend. I wondered about what you’d be like, caring, sweet, casually teasing me. I wondered what it felt like to feel your heat radiate while sitting next to you on the couch reading, what your lips felt like. I wanted to know, I needed to know. I’m still curious.

I’m also hurt. More than I might be letting on.

I cried that Wednesday. The day after I stayed in bed all day. I hate myself for letting you have so much power over me. It makes me insecure and worried because I doubt you realize you have this power and what if you misuse it?

My mom has been worried the whole week, ‘cause I was showing signs of heartbreak. All though she had no idea.

I don’t blame you for giving me an answer that I didn’t like. I’d rather have you being honest with me than hurting me later on because you actually weren’t sure.

Something that I do want you to know is that I don’t understand. I don’t understand you. You confuse me so much. You tell me no but still draw me in like a yes. I feel like you’re saying no with your mouth but your heart still isn’t sure.

And of course, it’s all scary and difficult and I might be completely wrong. If so, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drop all this on you, once again. But whatever your answer is, I feel like there’s more to the story, things that you are not telling me. And I wonder. And even though I’m telling my heart to let this go, to let you go, the only thing I want to do is run to you and scream and yell at you for hurting me like this, for not understanding. I’d also tell you that it’s okay, that I’d heal. Somehow.

I’m sitting here, at the table, in an empty house. It’s 1 AM and I’m on my fourth glass of wine, debating whether or not I should let you read this letter. Maybe you should never know, maybe that is best for you and me, right now. Like I said, eventually, my heart won’t yearn for your touch.

Is there a piece of you that feels the pain I feel? Is there a tiny splinter in your heart tearing it apart? Or do you really not feel anything? I have all these questions and I might never get the answer.

I was hoping this letter would give me peace, a chance to write all this away. My fingers have been aching to write ever since that Wednesday but I didn’t want to let go so fast.
The letter didn’t bring peace or understanding. The only thing it did was make the pain so much more real and the frustration so much more alive. I wish you’d just turn up my driveway to come tell me you were wrong. I should go to bed before I start writing down all my dreams and wishes and turn this into a letter the cool girl in me would vomit over.

My small, sensitive heart hopes that you will be happy with your choice, after all, I really do want you to be happy.

Time for another sleepless night.

Forever yours.

You.

It's been about a year since I last saw you and my heart still hasn't healed. I thought it wouldn't take this long... I've barely thought of you, seen pictures of you or even talked about you. I thought I had forgotten you, but I haven't.

It's the middle of the night and I can barely keep my eyes open, but whenever I close them I see you and as long as I keep them open I see the loneliness. If only hot tea could burn away the mark you left in my heart.
I'm not feeling great. I have no directions, no ambitions, nowhere to go. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I guess that's fine, I'll figure it out somehow, I always do. People know. I've even talked about it with some people. Not you, though. You have no clue. You're probably living carefree right now, because that's how you go through life. I'm jealous of that, it also makes me happy for you. I hope you get to where you want to get.
I want to tell you, but I'm keeping myself from reopening a wound. A wound that bares your name. It's a beautiful name. Did you know its origins lay in Welsh? It means noise of arms. Well, you've left quit some noise in my tiny heart.

Do you think we'll ever meet again? Will you look at me the way you used to?
I wonder if it was a joke to you, if I was just some game you played. 'Cause if so, you played me good. I didn't see it coming. It all felt so real
I miss the way you called me. I miss your muscled arms, your angular face. I miss the future plans you had, the ones where it was so obvious that I was there. Do you? That's what I wonder about most. You. Did it hurt when we drifted apart or were you too busy with your life? Did you miss talking to me at the end of the day or was I easily replaced?
Maybe I need an answer to those questions before I can fully heal. I don't really know what I need. I just want the feeling of your protecting arms.

Running

I'm so lost.
I have no idea what I'm doing here, where I'm going.
I thought I had it all figured out, but I have no clue whatsoever. I had plans, big plans, and looking back I might have to admit on making them too big.

Don't they tell you to aim high though?
What if I can't reach high? What if I'll always dream big but will never reach big?

It all makes me so insecure. I feel stupid and afraid, as if I'm drowning in work and unknown knowledge. Did I not work hard enough? Should I have payed more attention, asked more questions? Or did I give it all and is it okay if I don't finish this path?
I'm doubting all of it.
What if I disappoint people? Maybe that is my biggest fear... I don't know. I don't know anything at this moment. I feel so lost. What am I running from?

Fear

Fear.
It creeps up out of the nowhere.
Grabbing me in surprise.
How can I be happy one second and screaming the next?
His crippling presence shoots through my stomach leaving me sick to the bone.
I wanna tear my skin off, I need it to leave.
I feel like I'm covered under blankets and I can never get out, it slowly suffocates me, leaving me for dead.
I feel weak. My fingers barely move and my lungs barely fill up.
I could just stop it all together.
I would never have to be afraid again.
People pass in flashes but he stays.
He laughs at me, his hands are ice cold touching my skin.
It rips through my body.
I'm slowly drowning in deadlines I can never reach, I'm looking at all my mistakes lined up on paper, he is forcing me to read it, see it.
It makes me hate myself.

Fear.
He has no right to dictate my life like this.
But he is so strong and I am so tired.

Spaces

I just want to say that I'm so happy that I could do this for you.
That I meant something to you. That I helped you see meaning to this life, meaning to yourself.
Everybody deserves to be loved and to love themselves and I happily love you.

But I am not yours.

I built you from scratch and I made you believe you are loved and that you are pretty and that you are fine as you are. It's all true.
Now you adore me and by adoring me you suffocate me.
I love being your friend. We have so much fun laughing at boys, sipping rose and having mini dance parties in my living room. I love talking shit to you, making up jokes and the occasional tears we share while talking about out deepest fears.
But you are not my only friend even though I am yours.
You can't claim me for every free weekend.
You have to let me go and find more people to add to your circle.

Since I moved away you tell me every weekend that you miss me so much and that the distance makes the feeling worse.
I don't miss you at all. I go out with friends, I work hard, I make up jokes and meet strangers.
You have to start living, stop being so scared of this world. It's gave you life, adore it, explore it, love it.

I don't know how to tell you this all. You see, I don't want to hurt you and I'm not sure how you will take this. I don't want to ruin our friendship but if you don't give me a little space I might end up hurting you. This has to change now.
I choose to be in your life, please don't make me choose to end it so soon.

I beg of you.