You.

It's been about a year since I last saw you and my heart still hasn't healed. I thought it wouldn't take this long... I've barely thought of you, seen pictures of you or even talked about you. I thought I had forgotten you, but I haven't.

It's the middle of the night and I can barely keep my eyes open, but whenever I close them I see you and as long as I keep them open I see the loneliness. If only hot tea could burn away the mark you left in my heart.
I'm not feeling great. I have no directions, no ambitions, nowhere to go. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I guess that's fine, I'll figure it out somehow, I always do. People know. I've even talked about it with some people. Not you, though. You have no clue. You're probably living carefree right now, because that's how you go through life. I'm jealous of that, it also makes me happy for you. I hope you get to where you want to get.
I want to tell you, but I'm keeping myself from reopening a wound. A wound that bares your name. It's a beautiful name. Did you know its origins lay in Welsh? It means noise of arms. Well, you've left quit some noise in my tiny heart.

Do you think we'll ever meet again? Will you look at me the way you used to?
I wonder if it was a joke to you, if I was just some game you played. 'Cause if so, you played me good. I didn't see it coming. It all felt so real
I miss the way you called me. I miss your muscled arms, your angular face. I miss the future plans you had, the ones where it was so obvious that I was there. Do you? That's what I wonder about most. You. Did it hurt when we drifted apart or were you too busy with your life? Did you miss talking to me at the end of the day or was I easily replaced?
Maybe I need an answer to those questions before I can fully heal. I don't really know what I need. I just want the feeling of your protecting arms.

Running

I'm so lost.
I have no idea what I'm doing here, where I'm going.
I thought I had it all figured out, but I have no clue whatsoever. I had plans, big plans, and looking back I might have to admit on making them too big.

Don't they tell you to aim high though?
What if I can't reach high? What if I'll always dream big but will never reach big?

It all makes me so insecure. I feel stupid and afraid, as if I'm drowning in work and unknown knowledge. Did I not work hard enough? Should I have payed more attention, asked more questions? Or did I give it all and is it okay if I don't finish this path?
I'm doubting all of it.
What if I disappoint people? Maybe that is my biggest fear... I don't know. I don't know anything at this moment. I feel so lost. What am I running from?

Fear

Fear.
It creeps up out of the nowhere.
Grabbing me in surprise.
How can I be happy one second and screaming the next?
His crippling presence shoots through my stomach leaving me sick to the bone.
I wanna tear my skin off, I need it to leave.
I feel like I'm covered under blankets and I can never get out, it slowly suffocates me, leaving me for dead.
I feel weak. My fingers barely move and my lungs barely fill up.
I could just stop it all together.
I would never have to be afraid again.
People pass in flashes but he stays.
He laughs at me, his hands are ice cold touching my skin.
It rips through my body.
I'm slowly drowning in deadlines I can never reach, I'm looking at all my mistakes lined up on paper, he is forcing me to read it, see it.
It makes me hate myself.

Fear.
He has no right to dictate my life like this.
But he is so strong and I am so tired.

Spaces

I just want to say that I'm so happy that I could do this for you.
That I meant something to you. That I helped you see meaning to this life, meaning to yourself.
Everybody deserves to be loved and to love themselves and I happily love you.

But I am not yours.

I built you from scratch and I made you believe you are loved and that you are pretty and that you are fine as you are. It's all true.
Now you adore me and by adoring me you suffocate me.
I love being your friend. We have so much fun laughing at boys, sipping rose and having mini dance parties in my living room. I love talking shit to you, making up jokes and the occasional tears we share while talking about out deepest fears.
But you are not my only friend even though I am yours.
You can't claim me for every free weekend.
You have to let me go and find more people to add to your circle.

Since I moved away you tell me every weekend that you miss me so much and that the distance makes the feeling worse.
I don't miss you at all. I go out with friends, I work hard, I make up jokes and meet strangers.
You have to start living, stop being so scared of this world. It's gave you life, adore it, explore it, love it.

I don't know how to tell you this all. You see, I don't want to hurt you and I'm not sure how you will take this. I don't want to ruin our friendship but if you don't give me a little space I might end up hurting you. This has to change now.
I choose to be in your life, please don't make me choose to end it so soon.

I beg of you.

Holes

You left a tiny little hole in my heart and everytime I think of you that tiny little hole aches.

I miss you.

Stay?

Baby,
You want me to talk, 'cause you miss me, but you never answer, you never have time. So I don't talk, but you get worried. Nothings wrong, I'm just sick of waiting. I want you to make up your mind, I love you, if you want to stay that's cool, if you want to leave that's cool too, but please decide, 'cause you're ruining me in the process.

Quote

Leave this blue neighborhood, never knew loving could hurt this good and it's driving me wild.

-Wild; Troye Sivan