Tuesday, November 24, 2015


It creeps up out of the nowhere.
Grabbing me in surprise.
How can I be happy one second and screaming the next?
His crippling presence shoots through my stomach leaving me sick to the bone.
I wanna tear my skin off, I need it to leave.
I feel like I'm covered under blankets and I can never get out, it slowly suffocates me, leaving me for dead.
I feel weak. My fingers barely move and my lungs barely fill up.
I could just stop it all together.
I would never have to be afraid again.
People pass in flashes but he stays.
He laughs at me, his hands are ice cold touching my skin.
It rips through my body.
I'm slowly drowning in deadlines I can never reach, I'm looking at all my mistakes lined up on paper, he is forcing me to read it, see it.
It makes me hate myself.

He has no right to dictate my life like this.
But he is so strong and I am so tired.

Saturday, November 21, 2015


I just want to say that I'm so happy that I could do this for you.
That I meant something to you. That I helped you see meaning to this life, meaning to yourself.
Everybody deserves to be loved and to love themselves and I happily love you.

But I am not yours.

I built you from scratch and I made you believe you are loved and that you are pretty and that you are fine as you are. It's all true.
Now you adore me and by adoring me you suffocate me.
I love being your friend. We have so much fun laughing at boys, sipping rose and having mini dance parties in my living room. I love talking shit to you, making up jokes and the occasional tears we share while talking about out deepest fears.
But you are not my only friend even though I am yours.
You can't claim me for every free weekend.
You have to let me go and find more people to add to your circle.

Since I moved away you tell me every weekend that you miss me so much and that the distance makes the feeling worse.
I don't miss you at all. I go out with friends, I work hard, I make up jokes and meet strangers.
You have to start living, stop being so scared of this world. It's gave you life, adore it, explore it, love it.

I don't know how to tell you this all. You see, I don't want to hurt you and I'm not sure how you will take this. I don't want to ruin our friendship but if you don't give me a little space I might end up hurting you. This has to change now.
I choose to be in your life, please don't make me choose to end it so soon.

I beg of you.