Tuesday, November 24, 2015


It creeps up out of the nowhere.
Grabbing me in surprise.
How can I be happy one second and screaming the next?
His crippling presence shoots through my stomach leaving me sick to the bone.
I wanna tear my skin off, I need it to leave.
I feel like I'm covered under blankets and I can never get out, it slowly suffocates me, leaving me for dead.
I feel weak. My fingers barely move and my lungs barely fill up.
I could just stop it all together.
I would never have to be afraid again.
People pass in flashes but he stays.
He laughs at me, his hands are ice cold touching my skin.
It rips through my body.
I'm slowly drowning in deadlines I can never reach, I'm looking at all my mistakes lined up on paper, he is forcing me to read it, see it.
It makes me hate myself.

He has no right to dictate my life like this.
But he is so strong and I am so tired.

Saturday, November 21, 2015


I just want to say that I'm so happy that I could do this for you.
That I meant something to you. That I helped you see meaning to this life, meaning to yourself.
Everybody deserves to be loved and to love themselves and I happily love you.

But I am not yours.

I built you from scratch and I made you believe you are loved and that you are pretty and that you are fine as you are. It's all true.
Now you adore me and by adoring me you suffocate me.
I love being your friend. We have so much fun laughing at boys, sipping rose and having mini dance parties in my living room. I love talking shit to you, making up jokes and the occasional tears we share while talking about out deepest fears.
But you are not my only friend even though I am yours.
You can't claim me for every free weekend.
You have to let me go and find more people to add to your circle.

Since I moved away you tell me every weekend that you miss me so much and that the distance makes the feeling worse.
I don't miss you at all. I go out with friends, I work hard, I make up jokes and meet strangers.
You have to start living, stop being so scared of this world. It's gave you life, adore it, explore it, love it.

I don't know how to tell you this all. You see, I don't want to hurt you and I'm not sure how you will take this. I don't want to ruin our friendship but if you don't give me a little space I might end up hurting you. This has to change now.
I choose to be in your life, please don't make me choose to end it so soon.

I beg of you.

Sunday, October 25, 2015


You left a tiny little hole in my heart and everytime I think of you that tiny little hole aches.

I miss you.

Monday, September 7, 2015


You want me to talk, 'cause you miss me, but you never answer, you never have time. So I don't talk, but you get worried. Nothings wrong, I'm just sick of waiting. I want you to make up your mind, I love you, if you want to stay that's cool, if you want to leave that's cool too, but please decide, 'cause you're ruining me in the process.


Leave this blue neighborhood, never knew loving could hurt this good and it's driving me wild.
-Wild; Troye Sivan

Friday, September 4, 2015

Jealously in love?

"I don't want to share you but I'm not in love with you.

She is tho... And it makes my insides rage with anger and jealousy.
But I love her and I want her to be happy and I'm not in love with you anyway, right? So why am I like this?
I want to show her I could totally get you, that I'm somehow, like, better then her. It's fucking messed up and I feel like a terrible bitch.

And now I'm going to talk to you about all this... But what do I tell you? I can't give up her secrets, I promised. So I'll tell you that I don't want to share you but I'm not in love with you. Okay?

Please don't hate or leave me after this! I like you, I want you in my life. You make all my confused thoughts seem like easy, unimportant, overthought thoughts and I need you to keep both my feet on the ground.


Saturday, June 13, 2015

Things I want

I wanna come home to you.
I wanna curl up on the couch next to you, both doing our own things, but feeling your warmth.
I want you to hold me while I sleep. Protect me when I'm most vulnerable.
I wanna fight you over what to spend our money on or what color the wall should be. I want to physically fight you. Feel your body on mine as you pin me down on the floor, laughing at me trying to get free.
I want to wear your clothes because they're comfy and I'm cold.
I wanna look at you in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and your hair is all messed up, but you're so perfect.
I want your hand cupping my face as you tell me I'm beautiful and kiss me.
I wanna see you smiling on a summer day with sweat on your face, but so satisfied by the progress you made.
I wanna hold you while your insides rage with anger and your eyes are filled with sadness.
I want my hands all over you.
I want to run around the house, screaming, while you try to catch me.
I want my stomach to hurt because of all the lame jokes and my heart to race because of all our adventures.

I want you to read this and want the same.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

See you again

In my heart.
A desire, somewhere.
I miss you.

Somewhere you're walking and you don't miss me.
Thinking about the point of life.
Who am I?
Who can I be?
What am I doing here?

Maybe I'll find you again someday.
And you yourself.
                                               - Annemijn Bokhout